When Will They Ever Grow Up and Be Responsible, Faithful Children of God?

“Train up a child in the way he is to go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”  For me, having children, this is a very difficult piece to write.  I’ve pondered that passage from the Bible many times, and in its simplest and least “poetic license” interpretation, it promises that your kids will turn out exactly as you have instructed them. 

Aah, if it were only that simple!  The biggest problem is that we have society, peers, schools, government and media all literally falling all over themselves to train up your child at the same time.  Sometimes, they are more effective and have more quantity and quality access to your children than you do!  Their training is sometimes not only more effective but also diametrically opposed to what you teach your children.  The second problem is that God gave our children free will…and they use it!  Boy, do they use it.  They use it from that first day when they are two and tell you “NO!”  They use it when their friends say “come on, it’ll be fun!”  They will test your patience with that for many years to come.  What is important to remember here is the Bible often speaks in general terms, and if the “promise” given in a passage involves someone else’s free will…it is not a promise, but rather a good likelihood.  Proverbs, especially, is filled with promises such as these.  Parables and hyperbole are often employed to get a point across.  They are not guarantees like some other passages in the Bible.

The other thing to pay attention to in this passage, and the one that gives me the most hope, is that it says “when he is old….” You see, you may not live to witness the return of a wayward child to the things you taught him, but it may still happen.  Don’t give up.  Most of our kids turn 14 and you wonder where the little person you knew so well went to!!  Most often they show up around 22 (unless they are boys--they’re always the stubborn and tardy ones with brains that develop more slowly) and then they suddenly re-emerge as the person you always knew and hoped for. 

Parents often beat themselves up for a child that isn’t turning out right and also keep trying to change them in those late teen and early twenties years.  It’s important to recognize that you did your job (hopefully) when they were young, and eventually you have to let them go.  Don’t stop praying for them.  I believe in the power of prayer, but I also believe in the concept of “free will.”  At that point you just have to let go and remember that life has a way of pounding lessons into thick heads that you as a parent cannot.  Do you kick them out on the street and turn a deaf ear to them?  I have to leave the degree of involvement you maintain and the support you provide up to you.  The prodigal son was given his entire inheritance.  Perhaps you will choose to provide Sunday dinners or an occasional place to sleep.  I can’t tell you what is right.  Tough love is often mis-interpreted and exaggerated by those who employ it, and its misuse can make things far worse in my opinion.  Still, some of it likely needs to be painful for your child in order to learn and change. 

It is also tough and painful for YOU to let your child wander off into darkness and failure, I know!  Believe me, I know.  Most likely, they will get the message and come through it the way you hoped.  Stay the course.

All you need is patience…I’m still waiting.  I refuse to give up.