Making It Work After The Wedding

What makes a good relationship in marriage?  We all come with this bundle of expectations and most of the time don’t know each other as well as we think we do, even if we take time and try.  Then there is the fact that we are constantly in a state of dynamic change in life whether we like it or not.  We change because of new experiences and exposures, we change because our physical and mental abilities change.  Change is constant.  How do you make that work?  One way it doesn’t work is if you think it’s your job to change the other person to meet your expectations and demands.  Face it, the person you marry is going to change.

So what do you do?  Ultimately, you have to adhere to some fundamental beliefs and agreements with your partner (paraphrasing Dr. Janet Woititz):

You get to be you. You can grow in that. I will encourage and support you in that.

I get to be me.  I get to grow in that.  You will encourage and support me in that.

We get to be us.  We can grow together in that.

And I would add to her comments:

I won’t do anything to violate the marriage (i.e. affairs and the like)

Maybe it sounds like I am talking about two self-centered people who plan to go different directions, and I’m not.  I think there is a lot to be said for having common interests, values and beliefs along with a powerful attraction and friendship before you even think about getting married.  But like I said before, change will happen…and you need to be ready for how you will respond to it.  She’s going to want to take up sky diving and you are going to want to knit and stay home with the kids (note how I was so politically correct with my stereotyping!)  Does it really matter if one of you wants to play golf with your buddies or the other tends to leave their dirty clothes laying around?  Sure you can bring up these things in an honest expression of feeling annoyed and ignored, and you have a right to expect a decent effort at compromise, but if you think putting an end to golf or having a house as neat as a pin is always going to be the outcome, you are in for disappointment.  And if she is dreaming of being a Superior Court Judge and he decides to be an auto mechanic, you both need to be supportive of those desires to “be me.”

Now, what about the we get to be “US”.  If you want a successful marriage, you do have to find the “US FACTOR” and water and nourish that.  You did get into this challenge to be an “US” didn’t you?  That means enjoying time together and open communication.  You have to search for the “US” factor sometimes.  Say for instance, she loves to dance.  Give it a try guys, you may find that with this person it will be fun.  Maybe one or the other of you want to just be able to sit and talk without the TV and really listen to each other!  Maybe he wants to fish…maybe you’ll like it or at least like being with him by the river.  You won’t know until you give it a fair chance.  Experiment and be open about trying things that you might like to enjoy together.

Remember, true intimacy comes when you can share who you really are, your wants, needs and fears with someone who accepts you unconditionally.  Marriage is the true model of unconditional love that God offers us, and we need to model it in our households.